


Flagrant Misuse of the Lasso of Truth

by names_are_a_mystery_to_me



Category: DCU
Genre: Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:55:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24030904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/names_are_a_mystery_to_me/pseuds/names_are_a_mystery_to_me
Summary: There are good reasons and bad reasons to use the Lasso of Truth on your friends and teammates, but you can't deny it's great to have around either way.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	1. Misuse #1: Figuring Out Who Stole Your Food

“Who ate my fucking pop-tarts?” the Flash yelled, searching the Watchtower kitchen with super speed. He came out from under the sink holding a handful of silver wrappers and a box. “And who the hell put cardboard in the garbage? Saving the planet isn’t just punching people, recycle that shit!”

He ran out into the common area, where half a dozen heroes were spread out in varying activities. The wrappers clenched in his fist, Flash shouted to the room at large. “Which one of you absolute fishsticks did it? Who ate my pop-tarts?”

Around the coffee table, Green Arrow, Black Canary, and two of the Green Lanterns were playing a card game (at least, they had been playing cards at some point, but it had long since devolved into Oliver and Hal arguing over rules). All four denied any involvement in Grand Theft Pop-Tart, and Hal was quick to shift blame onto Guy.

“Hey! I didn’t touch anyone’s pop-tarts!” Guy yelled from across the room, where he’d been monopolizing the dart board, while John shook his head, sighing.

“Whoa, everyone calm down,” Superman said, putting down his magazine and floating up from one of the chairs. “Barry, I’m sure no-one meant to-”

“Was it you? Was it you, you flying pop-tart stealing machine?” Flash demanded, shaking his fist towards Superman. When Superman responded in the negative, Flash’s frantic form suddenly stilled, his face getting serious. “Well, you know what they say about desperate times,” he said ominously, then he blurred out of view.

“Okay, now I’m worried,” said Hal. “Is anyone else worried about what he’s-”

Flash blurred back into view, his face the same implacable glare of a man pushed over the edge. But instead of holding the discarded wrappers of his lost snacks, he had in his grip a long, golden rope that glowed faintly under the fluorescent lights.

Superman’s eyes widened, and he held out his hands in an attempt to talk Flash down. “Hold up, Barry, Diana wouldn’t be happy if she found out-”

In a flash, the Lasso was wrapped around one of his outstretched arms. “Did you eat my pop-tarts?” Flash shouted.

“No, I don’t know who ate your pop-tarts,” Superman replied.

Another blur of super-speed, and Flash tackled Guy to the floor, wrapping the lasso around him. “Did! You! Eat! My! Pop-tarts!”

The card players scrambled for the door, but they couldn’t outrun the fastest man alive. But every single one of them answered no to Flash’s question, and barely a minute later, Flash stood in the center of the common area, bunching the Lasso up in his hands as he seethed with rage.

“I will find out who did it,” he hissed. “I will find out, and I will make them-”

“How dare you!” boomed a voice, and the Flash set another speed record for how fast his face went from ‘boiling with anger’ to ‘in immediate danger of crapping himself’. In the doorway stood Wonder Woman, arms folded and expression set in a glare. “My Lasso is a gift from the gods, and it is not to be used for such purposes!”

Everyone stayed frozen as Wonder Woman stalked into the room and took her Lasso back from Flash’s shaking hands. “We will be having a long talk about this, do not forget it _or_ attempt to escape your fate.” Then she left, disappearing into the kitchen.

They all let out a collective breath, but no-one said anything. They heard Wonder Woman’s heels clacking on the kitchen floor, then the fridge door opening, and then-

“What happened to my yogurt?”

There was another door out of the rec room, but not even Flash could make it there before the Lasso of Truth cinched itself tight around his ankles and he fell headlong onto the carpet.

“I am experiencing empathy for you, Flash,” Wonder Woman said. “Your punishment will be much less severe.” She paused for a moment, then considered. “Provided you were not the one who ate my yogurt, of course.”


	2. Misuse #2: Truth or Dare

“Team bonding,” Diana had called it. “It’ll be fun,” she’d said.

Bruce suspected it was some sort of revenge against the rest of the team for treating the Lasso like a portable lie detector. If they were going to treat it so lightly, then she was going to embrace that, and make them play Truth or Dare with the damn thing.

The seven of them sat around one of the tables in the Watchtower kitchen/cafeteria, and each of them had one wrist in a loop of the Lasso. Diana at one end, then Clark, J’onn, Hal, Barry, Arthur, and him. They’d agreed on a set of forbidden topics ahead of time, and strongly suggested everyone pick ‘truth’ at least a couple times, since that was the exciting part.

One of the forbidden topics was, of course, secret identities and specifics of their civilian lives. That rule existing made Bruce feel… not _better_ but at least less bad about this.

“I will go first, because it is my lasso,” Diana said. “Then we will go around the table.” She stared at them each in turn, tapping her fingers on the table. “Flash.”

“Oh god.”

“The morning of last Tuesday, when I went looking for my spare costume and found it missing, and it was returned moments after you arrived at the Watchtower. Why did you take my costume and what did you do with it?”

“I took it to compete in a Wonder Woman cosplay competition at CentralCon,” Barry responded promptly, then just as promptly went bright red, hiding his face in his hands. “I came in seventh,” he added, to guffaws from around the table.

Diana nodded, then she turned to Clark. “Your turn.”

“Uh.” Clark looked uncertain. “If I want to know something about you guys, I just ask. There’s not a lot I want to know that I haven’t asked yet.” He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand as he looked around the table. “Uh, Batman. Why did you choose the bat motif?”

“I was thinking about what costume I was going to wear for my crusade against crime, and a bat flew through my window,” he said.

“Huh,” said Barry. “I thought it was because it strikes fear into criminals’ hearts or something.”

Next was J’onn, but he declined his turn because he was a telepath, and knew most of their minds inside-out by now. One of the other rules they’d agreed on was that no-one could ask J’onn questions about someone else. That was just unfair. So after Clark, Hal went.

“Spooky, you know I’m going to be asking you.” Bruce grunted in response, dreading Hal’s question but knowing that if he requested a dare instead, it would be much worse. “When was the last time you had sex?”

“Darn it, Hal!” Clark hissed, turning pink.

“Last Friday.” Hal waited, but the Lasso’s redeeming factor was that it didn’t actually force you to elaborate. As long as the question was answered, you could stop talking.

Barry’s turn came next, but he couldn’t seem to think of a question. Hal leaned over and whispered in his ear, making Barry laugh. So Hal was basically getting two questions.

“J’onn. Do you- do you ever watch people have sex, like, telepathically?”

J’onn blinked. “Yes. The process and emotions are far different than the equivalent for my people. I find it quite interesting.” Add to that the fact that J’onn’s telepathic range was enough to cover most of the Watchtower -what made him an essential part of the base’s security- and there were some uncomfortable looks around the table. Bruce made a mental note or two. Clark had a suspicious coughing fit.

Arthur had a question ready, directed at Superman. “Do you use your x-ray vision to look at people naked?” he asked.

“Arthur, you’ve asked me this before, I said no,” Clark said, looking baffled. He held up the wrist with the Lasso looped around it. “No, I don’t use my x-ray vision to look at people naked. It doesn’t even work like that.”

And then the floor passed to Bruce. He’d had a long time to think about this, and it was a valuable intel-gathering opportunity. Or, it could be an opportunity to dig up some dirt on Hal and rub his face in it. What was it going to be? Crafty, or petty?

Hal whispered something in Barry’s ear, causing him to laugh behind his hands. Petty. Definitely petty.

“Hal. How many times have you had your driver’s license suspended?”

“Foul! That’s about my civilian identity! Also, you clearly already know the answer,” Hal said, glaring down the table at him.

Wonder Woman frowned. “Try again, Batman.”

Alright then. Well, he could play Jordan’s game if he had to. “Fine. Hal. How many people at this table have you fantasized about having sex with?”

Hal’s mouth opened, then snapped shut. He pulled his hand out of the loop of the Lasso of Truth and raised his hands up in surrender. “I want a dare. Dare me to do something. I’m not answering that one.”

Bruce allowed himself a smirk. He could think of a few possible dares, although the trick would be to pick one that didn’t backfire on him. “Let me look through your phone for five minutes,” he said. Hal pulled out his phone and started frantically swiping. “And no deleting anything before I get to see it.”

Hal looked like a deer caught in the headlights of the batmobile. He leaned forward and banged his forehead against the table several times, then he wrapped the Lasso back around his wrist. “Seven. I’ve fantasized having sex with all seven people at this table, including myself. Are you happy?”

“Maybe a little,” Bruce found himself admitting. He looked at Diana, tilting his head slightly. “Did we ever agree that you could change your mind back once you switched to dare?”

Diana’s smile was almost vicious. “No, no we didn’t.”

“You guys _suck_.”


End file.
